Since I posted on this tumblr page and, quite honestly I had almost forgot about it. However, I was think about something earlier this week and I just wondered if I was the only one who has ever at twenty thought about the need to relive their childhood. Watching old cartoons and, playing video games. It was really refreshing nothing to deep after a hectic quarter in which I was met by new feelings from an old flame and, realized that there is nothing I would rather do than fan them out and keep it moving. I really am glad that reliving my childhood has allowed me to gain clarity and, move forwards instead of backwards. Kind of a paradox even to me.
I can’t understand why I place myself in a box,
a box that is a self defeating attempt to conform to a society that I don’t fit into,
I never have,
Maybe I’m not black enough to be a part of black society,
destined to be apart,
I used to dream of the day that I was accepted,
but I no longer do,
I tried in vain to be apart of something at OU that really isn’t worth being apart of,
don’t misunderstand me,
I don’t mean Sigma,
they are the greatest group of men I know,
and I am proud to be a member,
BLU- PHI till I die,
what I mean is the black community at large,
where lies, deceit, and betrayal are all too common,
where the only friends you have are those who you pledge with,
I’m done attempting to conform,
being fake for people who I could care less about,
and who feel the same about me,
done,
and bitter.
Lately I’ve been talking to alot of people about how I don’t seem to fit in with black people and I am fast coming to the conclusion that most of the reasons that I don’t fit in with the black culture at OU is because, I do things a bit differently than most of my fellow African Americans here. I don’t tiptoe around people’s insanely inflated ego’s. I don’t feel the need to dress a certain way to look “stylish” I LOVE MY KHAKIS AND POLO’S. I am without shame in saying that I can’t dance, and am a bit socially awkward. People seem to feel that I am stand-offish but I really just don’t know what to say.
In public despite how it may seem I really am still the shy 4 foot 6 inch fat kid I was at 13. I may act a bit over the top on occasion to cloak this but deep down I just want to be me. I feel that people expect me to be really cool and smooth, I really wish I was but I’m not. At any rate I am attempting to open up and learn how to behave in a socially acceptable way in the black community.
